Mustache

I have always been a proponent of the mustache. I am currently sporting one and have sported one in the past from time to time.

A mustache means something. It may not be entirely quantifiable, but I daresay I have gotten many claps on the back, as well as the more than the occasional eye from a member of the opposite sex.

So I just want to say some things about mustaches.

1) A mustache doesn't count unless you wear it for one month. A month is when wearing it becomes part of a year, as in, "Wow, I've had this mustache for 1/12 of a year!" A week is most often quantified within a month, and that's just child's play. One month. That's what it takes.

2) A mustache does not make you hip. A mustache is supposed to make you look classy, dignified, and handsome. Hip? I don't buy it. Maybe it's just a gut reaction to some of the L.E.S./Williamsburg freak shows I see with them but...No. A man can be hip and have a mustache, but that mustache does not make him hip.

3) I said in part 1 that a mustache doesn't count unless you've had it for a month. Still true. However, if you're bold enough to try it out for a week or two, you have my approval - still not a mustache, but a very admirable act. Kudos. Maybe next time, you'll make it all the way.

4) For some reason, people have to comment. Everyone says something. They can't not it seems. So you have to take it all in stride. Sure, when I hear, "You look like you were in a porno from the seventies!" one hundred times a night it gets a little grating - but I don't respond with, You look like a serial dolphin rapist, do I? Then again, there's nothing bad about this. Porn stars are studs. Go with it. Use it. This goes for any and all comments. "Hey, Freddie Mercury!" Gay, but had a great voice. You gotta roll with 'em.

5) Beware: Guys will always say, "If I could grow one I would definitely have a mustache. Definitely!" These guys are not bad people, they just don't get it. It's easy for them to say they want a stache - but they'll never be able to have one and therefore there's nothing to stop them from pretending they would actually have the salt to sport it. Just laugh, say, Sure, and move on. These are pretenders.

6) To those who won't grow it but can? Dude, it may work for you. I know this guy who is only decently attractive at best, but when I saw him with a mustache it was revelatory. He actually looked handsome, as one of my other pals said. Back in the day 20, 30 years ago, this guy would've said, "Yeah? Shit. I'm growing a stache!" and the pussy would've started to roll in. Nowadays, the guy laughs, says Whatever, and shaves it cuz he thinks it's silly or he's afraid. He's only hurting himself.

7) A mustache - if nothing else - is a confidence booster. Look, I'm not gonna lie and say it's for everyone or that it is even right for me; or, rather, the best look for me. But if you wear it for a month, and then shave it, all of a sudden the air is fresher. You look GREAT. And you looked great before, too! It's really a fucking amazing feeling, to look so good before and look so good after.

8) I'm convinced that if YOU like your facial hair than there are plenty of women out there that like it too. And I think they like that you had the balls to rock it out, even if they're not totally sold on the look from a purely aesthetical point of view.

9) I think it's personally insulting that people have made growing a mustache the punishment for losing a bet or wager. You lost, grow a stache, dickweed! Insulting.

10) SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT. In this day and age, the mustache is dead. I truly think so. Who wears them? Hipsters - they're losers; middle age men - nothing against them, but they've been grandfathered in; old men - same deal; and...shit, who else? Hockey players during playoffs? Bet losers? C'mon! Where are all the decent young men out there - normal guys, guys that drink beer, make fun of their bros, play HORSE, watch sports and listen to music, watch movies...just a normal guy, with a normal mustache, looking classy, dignified and handsome - where are they? They're nowhere and they wont be coming back for a long time. Too many stigmas, too little dudes that can reach down deep and rock that stache, the way it was meant to be rocked. NOT WITH IRONY! That is the lowest of the low. At my age, my father had a mustache, my uncles had mustaches, my grandfather had a mustache, and now I have a mustache. At least for a month or longer, at least here and there. Long enough so that it doesn't die with the freak shows down in the LES. I like the way it looks, but it's also a way of life, and that way of life is dying. It's not complicated, but I feel that I know, deep down, that it's more than just a mustache. It's a way of connecting to a time when men were men, women were women, people could smoke indoors, and a man was expected to be a gentleman. It was the rule, not the exception to the rule.

Classy. Dignified. Handsome. Those three words. Think about it, gentlemen. Think about what it means. Even if you don't actually grow it, think about what it means. Classy. Dignified. Handsome. Mustache.

Thank you.