Why don't they have raisin flavored soda? Because you can't shrink a can of grape soda in the sun! It just gets hot!
Whenever I go somewhere or buy something - whenever I spend money on a product of some kind - I like to be told beforehand that it's "worth the price of entry." Then I know that it's worth it. I like that.
How many passwords do you have?
How come it takes so long for the first issue of a magazine to come to your place of residency after starting a subscription? Why is this so complicated? All they gotta do is print that little white sticker and then slap it in the bottom right hand corner. A blind man could do this. But, as easy as it may seem, it'll take a month, maybe more, for that first issue to arrive.
Mornings, if I look like hell, people sometimes ask, "Rough night?" and I don't get it. There was nothing rough about the night - the morning is rough. The night was fun, a blast; chances are, I don't even remember it. No, the nights are usually fine. But the mornings can be rough!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Blackberrys
I look around and they're everywhere.
Riding the Long Island Railroad into Manhattan every day, more people seem to have Blackberrys than not. People are fondling that little ball for the entire fifty minute ride, sometimes not even looking up to make eye contact with the conductor checking tickets. It's as if these little guys are life support; severe the connection and you will flat line.
Of course, there's nothing new about this; Blackberrys have been common place for years now. But that doesn't mean that it's right, damn it! Look, I'm a realist, I know Blackberrys are here to stay and there's nothing I can do to change that - nor would I want to. I want one myself because these things are useful, damn useful. You can check the internet whenever, wherever, which means you can email, tweet, watch porn and jerk off, check the weather, follow the game even though there's no TV around...Basically, you can do it all, anywhere.
But, just like everything else, let's not forget about MODERATION. Just because this wonderful technology is available does not mean you should abuse it. And the thing is, it's so easy to abuse the use of a Blackberry.
1) You've got alerts coming from every which way. With a phone you had your calls and your texts. With a Blackberry you get alerts from everything, from emails to tweets to BBMs (more on that later). With an older cell phone you got your calls, you checked your voicemails, you communicated via text. But with a Blackberry, there are so many possible alerts, which means that just when you've finally put it down - oh wait - Jeanie just tagged a photo of you, Bobby, Mitch, and Steve on Facebook dressed up as dildos for Halloween and you've just gotta check that out while you're shopping for tampons in Duane Reade. Just like that, you're back on the BB.
2) Blackberry Messaging. Oh man oh man. Remember when you thought texting was convenient? Well fuck that shit now, you've got BBM, baby! It's free and it's easy and everybody else has a Blackberry too so you can talk to almost anybody NONSTOP. With texts there was an ebb and a flow but with BBMing it's an all out assault. You can just chat and chat and chat. Instead of maybe just sending a few texts to get some details and then it's over, with BBM it can last all day long because you can just talk and talk and talk, and it's free. No charge. Simple questions and greetings now seem to always turn into a full length discussion. Now people are talking about anything. MORE TIME ON THE BLACKBERRY.
3) The QWERTY key pad makes it easy to text and BBM. It's inviting and easy to use. You may miss T9 but this shit really makes it easier.
4) I can go on and on about how having access to the internet is an obvious time consumer. You know why, I won't go into it. But when you got the internet, fuck, why not use it? Remember when you had to remember the location of a restaurant? Long gone. THE INTERNET IS ALWAYS RIGHT THERE FOR YOU.
5) It's cool. Using a Blackberry has become - more or less - a cool thing. It's cool being on ur BB! Yo, yo, yo, BB in the house. It's a status symbol. You're hip, you're cool, you're with it. If it's not a smart phone then it ain't a phone, my friend.
You get the point. There's a reason they're nicknamed CRACKberrys. All I'm trying to say is that it is easy to be consumed with these guys but people need to look up and smell the roses every now and then. I'm not saying don't enjoy the conveniences that the Blackberry affords you, I'm just saying that there comes a point where one needs to realize that there is a window on the train; that is a tree passing by that window; and maybe once in a while you should take a look at that tree passing by that window instead of dicking around on your Blackberry just because you can.
And don't forget about people. There are people all around you -- sometimes people you know. Why not give them the care and the attention they deserve. Don't have your nose in the Blackberry throughout a conversation. A lot of people I know don't even realize they're doing it either. It's become natural. It's a shame.
JUDGEMENT. CONSIDERATION. MODERATION. USE BLACKBERRY WITH CARE AND CAUTION.
Here's an image of a friend of mine with their Blackberry. Don't let this be you:
Put down the Blackberry and enjoy that beer, damn it!!!
Riding the Long Island Railroad into Manhattan every day, more people seem to have Blackberrys than not. People are fondling that little ball for the entire fifty minute ride, sometimes not even looking up to make eye contact with the conductor checking tickets. It's as if these little guys are life support; severe the connection and you will flat line.
Of course, there's nothing new about this; Blackberrys have been common place for years now. But that doesn't mean that it's right, damn it! Look, I'm a realist, I know Blackberrys are here to stay and there's nothing I can do to change that - nor would I want to. I want one myself because these things are useful, damn useful. You can check the internet whenever, wherever, which means you can email, tweet, watch porn and jerk off, check the weather, follow the game even though there's no TV around...Basically, you can do it all, anywhere.
But, just like everything else, let's not forget about MODERATION. Just because this wonderful technology is available does not mean you should abuse it. And the thing is, it's so easy to abuse the use of a Blackberry.
1) You've got alerts coming from every which way. With a phone you had your calls and your texts. With a Blackberry you get alerts from everything, from emails to tweets to BBMs (more on that later). With an older cell phone you got your calls, you checked your voicemails, you communicated via text. But with a Blackberry, there are so many possible alerts, which means that just when you've finally put it down - oh wait - Jeanie just tagged a photo of you, Bobby, Mitch, and Steve on Facebook dressed up as dildos for Halloween and you've just gotta check that out while you're shopping for tampons in Duane Reade. Just like that, you're back on the BB.
2) Blackberry Messaging. Oh man oh man. Remember when you thought texting was convenient? Well fuck that shit now, you've got BBM, baby! It's free and it's easy and everybody else has a Blackberry too so you can talk to almost anybody NONSTOP. With texts there was an ebb and a flow but with BBMing it's an all out assault. You can just chat and chat and chat. Instead of maybe just sending a few texts to get some details and then it's over, with BBM it can last all day long because you can just talk and talk and talk, and it's free. No charge. Simple questions and greetings now seem to always turn into a full length discussion. Now people are talking about anything. MORE TIME ON THE BLACKBERRY.
3) The QWERTY key pad makes it easy to text and BBM. It's inviting and easy to use. You may miss T9 but this shit really makes it easier.
4) I can go on and on about how having access to the internet is an obvious time consumer. You know why, I won't go into it. But when you got the internet, fuck, why not use it? Remember when you had to remember the location of a restaurant? Long gone. THE INTERNET IS ALWAYS RIGHT THERE FOR YOU.
5) It's cool. Using a Blackberry has become - more or less - a cool thing. It's cool being on ur BB! Yo, yo, yo, BB in the house. It's a status symbol. You're hip, you're cool, you're with it. If it's not a smart phone then it ain't a phone, my friend.
You get the point. There's a reason they're nicknamed CRACKberrys. All I'm trying to say is that it is easy to be consumed with these guys but people need to look up and smell the roses every now and then. I'm not saying don't enjoy the conveniences that the Blackberry affords you, I'm just saying that there comes a point where one needs to realize that there is a window on the train; that is a tree passing by that window; and maybe once in a while you should take a look at that tree passing by that window instead of dicking around on your Blackberry just because you can.
And don't forget about people. There are people all around you -- sometimes people you know. Why not give them the care and the attention they deserve. Don't have your nose in the Blackberry throughout a conversation. A lot of people I know don't even realize they're doing it either. It's become natural. It's a shame.
JUDGEMENT. CONSIDERATION. MODERATION. USE BLACKBERRY WITH CARE AND CAUTION.
Here's an image of a friend of mine with their Blackberry. Don't let this be you:
Put down the Blackberry and enjoy that beer, damn it!!!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Quick Thoughts I Thought of Real Quick
Why don't they have raisin flavored soda? Because you can't shrink a can of grape soda in the sun! It just gets hot!
Whenever I go somewhere or buy something - whenever I spend money on a product of some kind - I like to be told beforehand that it's "worth the price of entry." Then I know that it's worth it. I like that.
How many passwords do you have?
How come it takes so long for the first issue of a magazine to come to your place of residency after starting a subscription? Why is this so complicated? All they gotta do is print that little white sticker and then slap it in the bottom right hand corner. A blind man could do this. But, as easy as it may seem, it'll take a month, maybe more, for that first issue to arrive.
Mornings, if I look like hell, people sometimes ask, "Rough night?" and I don't get it. There was nothing rough about the night - the morning is rough. The night was fun, a blast; chances are, I don't even remember it. No, the nights are usually fine. But the mornings can be rough!
Whenever I go somewhere or buy something - whenever I spend money on a product of some kind - I like to be told beforehand that it's "worth the price of entry." Then I know that it's worth it. I like that.
How many passwords do you have?
How come it takes so long for the first issue of a magazine to come to your place of residency after starting a subscription? Why is this so complicated? All they gotta do is print that little white sticker and then slap it in the bottom right hand corner. A blind man could do this. But, as easy as it may seem, it'll take a month, maybe more, for that first issue to arrive.
Mornings, if I look like hell, people sometimes ask, "Rough night?" and I don't get it. There was nothing rough about the night - the morning is rough. The night was fun, a blast; chances are, I don't even remember it. No, the nights are usually fine. But the mornings can be rough!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
PITCHFORK
If you have any interest in new music - the kind, for the most part, that isn't heard on the radio, on MTV, i.e. the music that isn't popular outside a relatively small community - you check out the indie music mecca, Pitchfork.com.
History: music fan Ryan Schreiber starts music site/proto-blog (pitchforkMEDIA) in the late 90s about music he cares about, offers polarizing opinions, recognizes some quality, obscure music; the site slowly rises through the 2000s to become a trendsetting music site where all the artists that are, purportedly, worth the time of day will be showcased, through reviews, news, and features, from interviews, best of lists, and weekly columns.
Parallel History: a young, impressionable music fan named Dan Grgas has an insatiable thirst for new music; finds Pitchfork and, through the site, discovers tons of new shit that he truly enjoys, at times revering the opinions given by Schreiber and co., seeking out, to a certain degree, only the music that has been approved as worth the time of day by the gurus at Pitchfork.
But lately I have become very disenchanted with Pitchfork, as, I believe, many others have in the recent years/months. Why? Good question.
It's not something that can truly be distilled; there is no overwhelming reason that this site has gone downhill - some may argue that it hasn't gone downhill at all, and I may even agree: maybe I'm just getting smarter and less impressionable as I get older and am able to form opinions independently from Pitchfork whereas at one point in time I was not. The site certainly hasn't changed much, in terms of attitude and their general air of superiority. I am growing and their growth has not grown parallel to mine.
But, if we must try and understand all that is wrong with pitchfork, you can look at their opinions towards one band: Weezer. Ever since their first review of a Weezer album - Green - they have trashed them in almost every way; lately, they don't even take them seriously at all, it's all a bad joke to these guys. "Oh, how amusing! I'm so baffled by this choice that Rivers has made - ha ha ha, they're such parodies of themselves! They're music is so pedestrian and simple and silly!"
Now, I'm not going to make the claim that Weezer is for everyone, or that they should be considered great by anyone. It happens to be my cup of tea, but I totally understand where the haters are coming from. It is juvenile and silly. I just don't like the higher than thou attitude; I can see the smirks on these guys faces as they write these reviews, laughing it up while listening to more mature artists like Sufjan Stevens, who releases 40 track Christmas albums and fifth grade music projects based on the 50 states.
Unfortunately, the writers at pitchfork are not as smart as they think they are. This is their fatal flaw. Take their recent review of Julian Casablanca's debut solo album Phrazes for the Young. Ryan Dombal gives us a well written, well researched review. Obviously, this guy is a fine writer who took the time to seek out Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young, Oscar Wilde's collection of witticisms that Casablancas drew inspiration from while writing and recording Phrazes. But instead of using this information as a background, the review turns into a comparison of past and present, between Casablancas' time as a Stroke and his current incarnation as a solo artist, all while incessantly referring to Wilde's book as if Casablancas were adapting it into a feature film, not simply drawing inspiration and nodding to it as an influence on him and his music. The review becomes a lesson - to both artist and fan - of what the album should have sounded like given Casablancas' past and Wilde's influence, all the while paying little attention to why an artist like Casabablancas may have created this album in the first place.
Adding insult to injury, Dombal accuses Casablancas of lacking humor, that he fails to instill some into this record; reading his review, it seems Dombal should take his own advice, as should the rest of the staff at Pitchfork. They forget that music hits you in the crotch and in the heart; only later does it hit your head, if at all. When reading a Pitchfork review very rarely does the reader come away with a sense that the reviewer jumped up and danced around to what they are reviewing; rarely can you picture them shedding a tear because a song moved them. Why? Because the reviews are a masturbatory exercise, more about the review than what is being reviewed; more about the reviewer than the reader. These are long, academic pieces that are best skimmed, searching through the review for the tidbits where the music is addressed directly, as what it is as it pops up out of speakers at any given moment, not as what it means in the context of history. These comparisons are fun and oftentimes shed light on a record, but when a review spends so little time addressing the music itself, something is wrong. Take a look at the first two paragraphs of any given Pitchfork review and you will see that oftentimes the record in question - the music in question - isn't mentioned.
This is not to say that Pitchfork has never produced a good review. They most certainly have. The problem is that the good reviews - that is, the ones that are readable and insightful the whole way through - are about artists that they favor; artists that have, time after time, gotten favorable reviews from the Pitchfork staff and have become their darlings. A good review should be as readable and insightful as a bad review - but you won't get that at Pitchfork. An album that gets a 4.5 will be mocked and put down in the manner described above: as an indulgence of the reviewer, looking down upon the fallen, the clueless, the hopeless, and, probably the greatest sin of them all, the popular.
It goes back to the thinking that if so many people like something, how can it be that good. But, if only me and a few other people like something then hey! there must be more artistic merit in this than what it is popular. And this is Pitchfork's downfall: elitism. I almost feel stupid saying it because it's so obvious and has been said - repeatedly - by so many people: they're snobs. But it's the truth. Pitchfork lacks the scope and vision to venture out and embrace the popular! Yes, there are some popular artists that garner favorable reviews or are still deemed worthy enough to be reviewed on their site, but they are few and far between. By now, everybody knows what Pitchfork likes and doesn't like, so much so that you can predict how they will rate an album with considerable accuracy before you even listen to it. Animal Collective gets 9's. Weezer gets 4's and 5's (or sometimes 0.5's - unforgivable). Pitchfork is in their own little world - some might say they're trapped there. How can they get out?
They can't because they would no longer be Pitchfork. It wouldn't be the same site -and nor should it be: it is what it is - who wants Pitchfork to become Rolling Stone? No one. But they can improve:
1) STEP DOWN FROM THE TOWER EVERY NOW AND THEN. We get it, you like what's weird, different, and unlistenable: how else can something be authentic and of artistic merit if it's easy to listen to?? But still, how about some humility now and then? Wipe the smirks off of your faces and then tell me why you don't like something. I may listen.
2) WRITE WITH YOUR HEART AND NOT WITH YOUR BRAIN. There's got to be thought to it, but this isn't a history lesson. This is...
3) MUSIC. Write about the music, always. If it doesn't directly relate keep short or lose it completely. Someone once told me, The best writer edits away the sentences and words they love the most because usually these words are just flash, just the writer showing off, in love with their abilities.
4) WRITE FOR THE READER, NOT FOR YOURSELVES. Should I have to say this?
5) CREATE A SPACE WHERE READERS CAN EASILY COMMENT ON THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED ON YOUR SITE. This is a glaring omission. There is NO feedback on the site. The fans are ignored. I guess that fits in with their image - pissing on the peons - but you can't have a site like this where there is no way for the masses to agree or disagree with the opinions you put forth. This should be in a place where, if your on the site, you can't help but find it. Are you guys afraid? What's the deal?
Lastly, I'd like to say that the reason I am writing at such length about these guys is because they represent so much of what is wrong in music today. Yes, they are part of the problem. Pitchfork would rather music reach as little people as possible, to keep it amongst the chosen - and who will choose? Pitchfork, of course. There is nothing wrong with reaching as many people as possible. There is nothing wrong with fame. If more indie artists would strive for the spotlight, if more would strive to be - OMG, is he gonna say this? For real? - like U2 and try to connect with as many people as possible, then music would rise again. People would buy CDs again. I'm not saying that artists have to change anything or water themselves down. Write what inspires you, that is always what it comes down to. But any willful dismissal of what is popular, of what inspires many, of what reaches out to thousands, millions, is to ignore what makes music so great. Pitchfork looks down on too many people; they embrace only what is in their comfort zone. They are in many ways more close minded and ignorant than those who listen only to American Idol - and at least I believe that those who love American Idol truly love American Idol. I cannot say the same for Pitchfork.
So, Pitchfork, listen up. You guys are good in so many ways - interviews, guest lists, NEWS (great fucking news updates, that's the best part) - just understand that you come off as pompous douche bags so damn often, it's tough take you seriously. You guys have really turned me onto a lot of good shit. In many ways I owe you. All I'm saying is try a little harder not to come off as such pompous, snide, close-minded, condescending douche bags.
Thank you.
History: music fan Ryan Schreiber starts music site/proto-blog (pitchforkMEDIA) in the late 90s about music he cares about, offers polarizing opinions, recognizes some quality, obscure music; the site slowly rises through the 2000s to become a trendsetting music site where all the artists that are, purportedly, worth the time of day will be showcased, through reviews, news, and features, from interviews, best of lists, and weekly columns.
Parallel History: a young, impressionable music fan named Dan Grgas has an insatiable thirst for new music; finds Pitchfork and, through the site, discovers tons of new shit that he truly enjoys, at times revering the opinions given by Schreiber and co., seeking out, to a certain degree, only the music that has been approved as worth the time of day by the gurus at Pitchfork.
But lately I have become very disenchanted with Pitchfork, as, I believe, many others have in the recent years/months. Why? Good question.
It's not something that can truly be distilled; there is no overwhelming reason that this site has gone downhill - some may argue that it hasn't gone downhill at all, and I may even agree: maybe I'm just getting smarter and less impressionable as I get older and am able to form opinions independently from Pitchfork whereas at one point in time I was not. The site certainly hasn't changed much, in terms of attitude and their general air of superiority. I am growing and their growth has not grown parallel to mine.
But, if we must try and understand all that is wrong with pitchfork, you can look at their opinions towards one band: Weezer. Ever since their first review of a Weezer album - Green - they have trashed them in almost every way; lately, they don't even take them seriously at all, it's all a bad joke to these guys. "Oh, how amusing! I'm so baffled by this choice that Rivers has made - ha ha ha, they're such parodies of themselves! They're music is so pedestrian and simple and silly!"
Now, I'm not going to make the claim that Weezer is for everyone, or that they should be considered great by anyone. It happens to be my cup of tea, but I totally understand where the haters are coming from. It is juvenile and silly. I just don't like the higher than thou attitude; I can see the smirks on these guys faces as they write these reviews, laughing it up while listening to more mature artists like Sufjan Stevens, who releases 40 track Christmas albums and fifth grade music projects based on the 50 states.
Unfortunately, the writers at pitchfork are not as smart as they think they are. This is their fatal flaw. Take their recent review of Julian Casablanca's debut solo album Phrazes for the Young. Ryan Dombal gives us a well written, well researched review. Obviously, this guy is a fine writer who took the time to seek out Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young, Oscar Wilde's collection of witticisms that Casablancas drew inspiration from while writing and recording Phrazes. But instead of using this information as a background, the review turns into a comparison of past and present, between Casablancas' time as a Stroke and his current incarnation as a solo artist, all while incessantly referring to Wilde's book as if Casablancas were adapting it into a feature film, not simply drawing inspiration and nodding to it as an influence on him and his music. The review becomes a lesson - to both artist and fan - of what the album should have sounded like given Casablancas' past and Wilde's influence, all the while paying little attention to why an artist like Casabablancas may have created this album in the first place.
Adding insult to injury, Dombal accuses Casablancas of lacking humor, that he fails to instill some into this record; reading his review, it seems Dombal should take his own advice, as should the rest of the staff at Pitchfork. They forget that music hits you in the crotch and in the heart; only later does it hit your head, if at all. When reading a Pitchfork review very rarely does the reader come away with a sense that the reviewer jumped up and danced around to what they are reviewing; rarely can you picture them shedding a tear because a song moved them. Why? Because the reviews are a masturbatory exercise, more about the review than what is being reviewed; more about the reviewer than the reader. These are long, academic pieces that are best skimmed, searching through the review for the tidbits where the music is addressed directly, as what it is as it pops up out of speakers at any given moment, not as what it means in the context of history. These comparisons are fun and oftentimes shed light on a record, but when a review spends so little time addressing the music itself, something is wrong. Take a look at the first two paragraphs of any given Pitchfork review and you will see that oftentimes the record in question - the music in question - isn't mentioned.
This is not to say that Pitchfork has never produced a good review. They most certainly have. The problem is that the good reviews - that is, the ones that are readable and insightful the whole way through - are about artists that they favor; artists that have, time after time, gotten favorable reviews from the Pitchfork staff and have become their darlings. A good review should be as readable and insightful as a bad review - but you won't get that at Pitchfork. An album that gets a 4.5 will be mocked and put down in the manner described above: as an indulgence of the reviewer, looking down upon the fallen, the clueless, the hopeless, and, probably the greatest sin of them all, the popular.
It goes back to the thinking that if so many people like something, how can it be that good. But, if only me and a few other people like something then hey! there must be more artistic merit in this than what it is popular. And this is Pitchfork's downfall: elitism. I almost feel stupid saying it because it's so obvious and has been said - repeatedly - by so many people: they're snobs. But it's the truth. Pitchfork lacks the scope and vision to venture out and embrace the popular! Yes, there are some popular artists that garner favorable reviews or are still deemed worthy enough to be reviewed on their site, but they are few and far between. By now, everybody knows what Pitchfork likes and doesn't like, so much so that you can predict how they will rate an album with considerable accuracy before you even listen to it. Animal Collective gets 9's. Weezer gets 4's and 5's (or sometimes 0.5's - unforgivable). Pitchfork is in their own little world - some might say they're trapped there. How can they get out?
They can't because they would no longer be Pitchfork. It wouldn't be the same site -and nor should it be: it is what it is - who wants Pitchfork to become Rolling Stone? No one. But they can improve:
1) STEP DOWN FROM THE TOWER EVERY NOW AND THEN. We get it, you like what's weird, different, and unlistenable: how else can something be authentic and of artistic merit if it's easy to listen to?? But still, how about some humility now and then? Wipe the smirks off of your faces and then tell me why you don't like something. I may listen.
2) WRITE WITH YOUR HEART AND NOT WITH YOUR BRAIN. There's got to be thought to it, but this isn't a history lesson. This is...
3) MUSIC. Write about the music, always. If it doesn't directly relate keep short or lose it completely. Someone once told me, The best writer edits away the sentences and words they love the most because usually these words are just flash, just the writer showing off, in love with their abilities.
4) WRITE FOR THE READER, NOT FOR YOURSELVES. Should I have to say this?
5) CREATE A SPACE WHERE READERS CAN EASILY COMMENT ON THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED ON YOUR SITE. This is a glaring omission. There is NO feedback on the site. The fans are ignored. I guess that fits in with their image - pissing on the peons - but you can't have a site like this where there is no way for the masses to agree or disagree with the opinions you put forth. This should be in a place where, if your on the site, you can't help but find it. Are you guys afraid? What's the deal?
Lastly, I'd like to say that the reason I am writing at such length about these guys is because they represent so much of what is wrong in music today. Yes, they are part of the problem. Pitchfork would rather music reach as little people as possible, to keep it amongst the chosen - and who will choose? Pitchfork, of course. There is nothing wrong with reaching as many people as possible. There is nothing wrong with fame. If more indie artists would strive for the spotlight, if more would strive to be - OMG, is he gonna say this? For real? - like U2 and try to connect with as many people as possible, then music would rise again. People would buy CDs again. I'm not saying that artists have to change anything or water themselves down. Write what inspires you, that is always what it comes down to. But any willful dismissal of what is popular, of what inspires many, of what reaches out to thousands, millions, is to ignore what makes music so great. Pitchfork looks down on too many people; they embrace only what is in their comfort zone. They are in many ways more close minded and ignorant than those who listen only to American Idol - and at least I believe that those who love American Idol truly love American Idol. I cannot say the same for Pitchfork.
So, Pitchfork, listen up. You guys are good in so many ways - interviews, guest lists, NEWS (great fucking news updates, that's the best part) - just understand that you come off as pompous douche bags so damn often, it's tough take you seriously. You guys have really turned me onto a lot of good shit. In many ways I owe you. All I'm saying is try a little harder not to come off as such pompous, snide, close-minded, condescending douche bags.
Thank you.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
#unseenprequels
This is the kind of shit I love: naming non-existent movie prequels to existing movies. I was doing it so much on twitter I decided to just do a big ass list and post it!
Here are all the prequels to AFI's 100 Greatest Movies list! [Click here actual list to compare and see what the movie is the prequel to because some are a little out there at first - but most - I think - make sense in the end! I hope!]
1) Immigrant Kane
2) Berlin
3) The Godhusband
4) Here with the Wind
5) Larry of England
6) N.E.W.T. Student of Oz
7) One Final Left to Go For a Fifth Year Senior
8) Off the the Waterfront
9) Schindler's Thoughts
10) Humming in the Rain
11) My Life's OK
12) Sunup Street
13) The Bridge Over the Tributary Kwai
14) Some Like It Lukewarm
15) Gases That Have Not Yet Formed Together Wars Episode -IV: A Newer Hope
16) Some Details Are Missing Concerning Eve
17) The African Princess
18) Sane Guy
19) Indochinatown
20) Zero Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
21) The Grapes of Mild Disgust
22) 2000: An Earth Journey
23) The Maltese Egg
24) Raging Calf
25) N.L.N.M.T.: The No-Less, No-More Terrestrial
26) Mr. Normalcrush
27) Clyde
28) Apocalypse Soon
29) Mr. Smith Packs His Suitcase for His Trip to Washington
30) The Burying of the Treasure at Sierra Madre
31) Annie Door
32) The Jesusfather
33) Low Noon
34) To Bring a Mockingbird to the Edge of Death Only to Spare It's Life
35) Nothing Has Happened Yet This Late Afternoon
36) 10 Minutes to 12 Cowboy
37) The Best Days of Our Lives
38) Single One Sided Transaction
39) Resident in Training Zhivago
40) North By West
41) West Side Idea
42) Rear Shades
43) Born of Nobility Kong
44) The Conception of a Nation
45) A Streetcar Nicknamed Desire
46) A Clockhobby Orange
47) Rickshaw Driver
48) Lips
49) Sleet White and the 6 Dwarfs
50) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Zygote
51) A Philadelphia Story
52) From Here to a Long Time
53) Wolfgang
54) Some Quiet on the Western Front
55) The Silence of an Unplayed Piano
56) KASH
57) The Second Man
58) Reality
59) Self Respecting Citizen With a Purpose
60) Raiders of That Ark, Right There
61) I Love Heights!
62) Struggling Actor
63) Stageassistantcoach
64) Encountered the Third Kind
65) The Lambs Haven't Stopped Screaming yet, Have They, Clarice?
66) One Single Entity
67) The Manchurian Debater at the National Democratic Convention
68) A Greencard Holder in Paris
69) What's That Guy's Name, Riding in the Distance?
70) The Franco-Prussian Connection
71) Sapling Gump
72) Ben
73) Wurthering Downs
74) Take Your Time, It's Only Silver
75) Getting to Know the Wolves
76) Hamlet Lights
77) American Can of Spray Paint
78) Smooth
79) Before the Deer Turned On Me
80) The Wild One
81) PreHistoric Times
82) Midget
83) Private
84) Outside Fargo
85) Diced Duckling
86) Morale Is High on the Bounty
87) Young Frankstein
88) Dammit, Fucking Rider!
89) Patoff
90) The ASL Signer
91) No One's Fickle Girl
92) Homeless in the Sun
93) Living With My Parents
94) Decentdudes
95) No Pulp Fiction
96) At First They Were Content to Let It Be
97) Intercourse
98) Forgiven
99) The Extension of an Invitation to a Friend
100) Where Can I Find a Feather to Call Macaroni?
Here are all the prequels to AFI's 100 Greatest Movies list! [Click here actual list to compare and see what the movie is the prequel to because some are a little out there at first - but most - I think - make sense in the end! I hope!]
1) Immigrant Kane
2) Berlin
3) The Godhusband
4) Here with the Wind
5) Larry of England
6) N.E.W.T. Student of Oz
7) One Final Left to Go For a Fifth Year Senior
8) Off the the Waterfront
9) Schindler's Thoughts
10) Humming in the Rain
11) My Life's OK
12) Sunup Street
13) The Bridge Over the Tributary Kwai
14) Some Like It Lukewarm
15) Gases That Have Not Yet Formed Together Wars Episode -IV: A Newer Hope
16) Some Details Are Missing Concerning Eve
17) The African Princess
18) Sane Guy
19) Indochinatown
20) Zero Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
21) The Grapes of Mild Disgust
22) 2000: An Earth Journey
23) The Maltese Egg
24) Raging Calf
25) N.L.N.M.T.: The No-Less, No-More Terrestrial
26) Mr. Normalcrush
27) Clyde
28) Apocalypse Soon
29) Mr. Smith Packs His Suitcase for His Trip to Washington
30) The Burying of the Treasure at Sierra Madre
31) Annie Door
32) The Jesusfather
33) Low Noon
34) To Bring a Mockingbird to the Edge of Death Only to Spare It's Life
35) Nothing Has Happened Yet This Late Afternoon
36) 10 Minutes to 12 Cowboy
37) The Best Days of Our Lives
38) Single One Sided Transaction
39) Resident in Training Zhivago
40) North By West
41) West Side Idea
42) Rear Shades
43) Born of Nobility Kong
44) The Conception of a Nation
45) A Streetcar Nicknamed Desire
46) A Clockhobby Orange
47) Rickshaw Driver
48) Lips
49) Sleet White and the 6 Dwarfs
50) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Zygote
51) A Philadelphia Story
52) From Here to a Long Time
53) Wolfgang
54) Some Quiet on the Western Front
55) The Silence of an Unplayed Piano
56) KASH
57) The Second Man
58) Reality
59) Self Respecting Citizen With a Purpose
60) Raiders of That Ark, Right There
61) I Love Heights!
62) Struggling Actor
63) Stageassistantcoach
64) Encountered the Third Kind
65) The Lambs Haven't Stopped Screaming yet, Have They, Clarice?
66) One Single Entity
67) The Manchurian Debater at the National Democratic Convention
68) A Greencard Holder in Paris
69) What's That Guy's Name, Riding in the Distance?
70) The Franco-Prussian Connection
71) Sapling Gump
72) Ben
73) Wurthering Downs
74) Take Your Time, It's Only Silver
75) Getting to Know the Wolves
76) Hamlet Lights
77) American Can of Spray Paint
78) Smooth
79) Before the Deer Turned On Me
80) The Wild One
81) PreHistoric Times
82) Midget
83) Private
84) Outside Fargo
85) Diced Duckling
86) Morale Is High on the Bounty
87) Young Frankstein
88) Dammit, Fucking Rider!
89) Patoff
90) The ASL Signer
91) No One's Fickle Girl
92) Homeless in the Sun
93) Living With My Parents
94) Decentdudes
95) No Pulp Fiction
96) At First They Were Content to Let It Be
97) Intercourse
98) Forgiven
99) The Extension of an Invitation to a Friend
100) Where Can I Find a Feather to Call Macaroni?
Monday, November 2, 2009
Do We Still Need...
No Smoking Signs? I look around and I see no smoking signs posted everywhere, as if people were threatening to smoke at every turn, regardless of the location. I thought people got it: You can't smoke anywhere that's not outdoors, and even then, think twice. Do we still need signs all over Penn Station - underground - that tell you that it's not OK to smoke while waiting for your train? Anyone who's gonna smoke there probably needs to be reminded not to just shit and piss anywhere they like. Do we need no shitting signs? "Excuse me, sir, I've noticed you just dropped a deuce in the middle of the Applebee's foyer. Did you not notice the 'No Shitting Sign'?" I guess it's a precaution so everyone is accountable for their actions, but I'm just sick of seeing them. You can't smoke anywhere indoors. Just don't do it. That being said, I was able to kill a man in the public library yesterday because there wasn't a 'No Murder' sign.
To tell people to vote? This is so fucking annoying to me, for some reason. "Make sure you vote!" "Don't forget to vote!" Sure, it would be nice if everyone voted, but it's not like people are forgetting they can - they just don't give a shit. Instead of telling people that they should vote, I think a better option is to say, "Give a shit!"
To say, "Tomorrow is another day"? Of course it is. Even if your dead, tomorrow is still another day, just not for you.
Food? I've been harping on this for a long, long time now, the fact that we can put a man on the moon but we still have to shovel food into our mouths three times a day. Where is the pill? The one that you take once in the morning and then you don't have to eat for the rest of the day. You're good, you're set. Then, instead of taking the time to eat, you can sing a song - cuz you can't fucking sing with food in your mouth! RIGHT!?!?
Yemen? What has this place given us?
False Idols? This should have stopped with the Golden Calf, but no, it hasn't. More and more pop up every day and it's depressing. I would question the need for regular idols, but they may still be relevant.
Laughter? Just kidding!
To tell people to vote? This is so fucking annoying to me, for some reason. "Make sure you vote!" "Don't forget to vote!" Sure, it would be nice if everyone voted, but it's not like people are forgetting they can - they just don't give a shit. Instead of telling people that they should vote, I think a better option is to say, "Give a shit!"
To say, "Tomorrow is another day"? Of course it is. Even if your dead, tomorrow is still another day, just not for you.
Food? I've been harping on this for a long, long time now, the fact that we can put a man on the moon but we still have to shovel food into our mouths three times a day. Where is the pill? The one that you take once in the morning and then you don't have to eat for the rest of the day. You're good, you're set. Then, instead of taking the time to eat, you can sing a song - cuz you can't fucking sing with food in your mouth! RIGHT!?!?
Yemen? What has this place given us?
False Idols? This should have stopped with the Golden Calf, but no, it hasn't. More and more pop up every day and it's depressing. I would question the need for regular idols, but they may still be relevant.
Laughter? Just kidding!
DG Interviews Dan, Part One
I recently interviewed Dan in an office in midtown Manhattan. He was promoting his latest tweet.
DG: Well, it's nice to finally meet you in person Dan, I -
Dan: It's nice to meet you, too.
DG: Thank you, it's...so good of you to say that.
Dan: It's the truth.
DG: (laughs): I'm sure it is. Now, we're talking here today because you've been kind of...stagnant lately.
Dan: Stagnant?
DG: Well, maybe not stagnant -
Dan: No, Dan, don't worry. It's OK. I guess I just hadn't heard someone say it aloud, like that.
DG: Does it make you uncomfrotable?
Dan: No, not really. I guess I don't really feel that way. But you sense it so...
DG: Well, I don't sense it, really, it's just what my researcher handed me. He found it out.
Dan: How'd he manage that?
DG: Twitter, your blog, friends.
Dan: Friends? What'd they say?
DG: Well, Dan, I'd rather not - do you want to change the topic?
Dan: No, no. I'd like to hear what they said about me.
DG: OK. Well, here's one quote: "Danny's best days are behind him. He was funnier in 7th grade."
Dan: Ouch. Who said that?
DG: I really couldn't say. The interviewees all wanted to remain anonymous.
Dan: Typical.
DG: Why do you say that?
Dan: I don't know. I feel like if you're gonna say something about me, I wanna know who it is. They're hiding.
DG: I guess they don't want to upset you.
Dan: It doesn't really upset me, Dan. I just would like to be able to ask this guy why I'm not as funny as I was when I was in seventh grade. Do you think I was funnier in seventh grade?
DG: Well...
Dan: Oh come on, out with it.
DG: I do think you've lost a step, yes.
Dan: Is it because I still do the wallet/cellphone gag?
DG: Not so much that one -
Dan: Good, cuz that's a really good one.
DG: Agreed.
Dan: So...
DG: Well it's more that you're less funny than an asshole.
Dan: See, I don't think that. People always say that to me and I always think, Man, I don't mean to be mean. I don't even see it that way. I'm just kidding around.
DG: But to other you aren't.
Dan: I guess that's true. I don't know. Maybe.
DG: Here's another quote: "He can dish it out but he can't take it."
Dan: Oh, not again.
DG: Is that true?
Dan: I mean, I guess it is, but...I just defend myself, you know? I give one back.
DG: Can't you just let it go?
Dan: I could, but I don't want to. It's not that I'm hurt, I just don't like to hear it. Why should I take things laying down just because others do? They have the option to say, "Fuck you, Grgas" they just don't.
DG: I see your meaning. But it may be tough cuz you're kind of a bully.
Dan: I hate bullies!
DG: I know you do, who doesn't. But that's what people say, that you are a bully.
Dan: Maybe I am. I know that it can come off like that, but in my head it's not playing out like that.
DG: Maybe you've got to get out of your head and see yourself how others see you.
Dan: Maybe.
DG: Well, it's nice to finally meet you in person Dan, I -
Dan: It's nice to meet you, too.
DG: Thank you, it's...so good of you to say that.
Dan: It's the truth.
DG: (laughs): I'm sure it is. Now, we're talking here today because you've been kind of...stagnant lately.
Dan: Stagnant?
DG: Well, maybe not stagnant -
Dan: No, Dan, don't worry. It's OK. I guess I just hadn't heard someone say it aloud, like that.
DG: Does it make you uncomfrotable?
Dan: No, not really. I guess I don't really feel that way. But you sense it so...
DG: Well, I don't sense it, really, it's just what my researcher handed me. He found it out.
Dan: How'd he manage that?
DG: Twitter, your blog, friends.
Dan: Friends? What'd they say?
DG: Well, Dan, I'd rather not - do you want to change the topic?
Dan: No, no. I'd like to hear what they said about me.
DG: OK. Well, here's one quote: "Danny's best days are behind him. He was funnier in 7th grade."
Dan: Ouch. Who said that?
DG: I really couldn't say. The interviewees all wanted to remain anonymous.
Dan: Typical.
DG: Why do you say that?
Dan: I don't know. I feel like if you're gonna say something about me, I wanna know who it is. They're hiding.
DG: I guess they don't want to upset you.
Dan: It doesn't really upset me, Dan. I just would like to be able to ask this guy why I'm not as funny as I was when I was in seventh grade. Do you think I was funnier in seventh grade?
DG: Well...
Dan: Oh come on, out with it.
DG: I do think you've lost a step, yes.
Dan: Is it because I still do the wallet/cellphone gag?
DG: Not so much that one -
Dan: Good, cuz that's a really good one.
DG: Agreed.
Dan: So...
DG: Well it's more that you're less funny than an asshole.
Dan: See, I don't think that. People always say that to me and I always think, Man, I don't mean to be mean. I don't even see it that way. I'm just kidding around.
DG: But to other you aren't.
Dan: I guess that's true. I don't know. Maybe.
DG: Here's another quote: "He can dish it out but he can't take it."
Dan: Oh, not again.
DG: Is that true?
Dan: I mean, I guess it is, but...I just defend myself, you know? I give one back.
DG: Can't you just let it go?
Dan: I could, but I don't want to. It's not that I'm hurt, I just don't like to hear it. Why should I take things laying down just because others do? They have the option to say, "Fuck you, Grgas" they just don't.
DG: I see your meaning. But it may be tough cuz you're kind of a bully.
Dan: I hate bullies!
DG: I know you do, who doesn't. But that's what people say, that you are a bully.
Dan: Maybe I am. I know that it can come off like that, but in my head it's not playing out like that.
DG: Maybe you've got to get out of your head and see yourself how others see you.
Dan: Maybe.
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