RELIGION

I believe in a woman with a nice ass. This woman also loves you and would do anything for you.

I believe in getting drunk and then drinking a couple glasses of water and feeling great.

I believe in trying to befriend cats. Getting better at it, and actually getting them on your side.

I believe in friends, who can party, then talk, then end a night with a significant feeling; a mutual feeling that's shared where gripes, hang ups, and misunderstanding are nothing but a common bond that makes a friendship stronger.

Religion is tough. I've been watching RELIGULOUS, Bill Maher and Larry Charles's film about religion, and I've been moved by it. Bill Maher is the kind of guy that gets people talking. He polarizes - in the best way. Sure, most people don't like him - fuck, I don't like him. But I love him for what he says, the way he says it, and how he says it. The man has an opinion, and I respect that he does.

The film addresses religion and how it's totally stupid for people to believe in religion. I agree. Believing unequivocally in sets of rules and magical histories...you might as well base a religion on Harry Potter. Why not? Just because it's old doesn't mean it's more right and less fictitious than Harry Potter, The Girl with a Dick Sleeve Tattoo, or The Hangover.

My family is religious. They're certainly not zealots and they certainly do not believe blindly. But they believe. They go to church; they cross themselves when they pass a church on a road trip; they do things that mean that they believe.

I for one believe. There's no church or religion or faith, only a belief that your actions are meaningful. If not believing in God is a belief, well, I believe that that's as good a belief as any. But I take it a step further, believing in all that shit I laid down at the beginning of this post. Plus music, of course.

I'm not quite sure what I am getting at in this post, other than: "I just believe in me, Yoko and me...Now that's reality." It's a John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band quote, I know. It's rock and roll. But can there be more than that? Most people spend their entire lives searching for love, and once they've found it, they do everything they can to keep it, protect it, and make it grow.

Is there anything larger or stronger? No. Love is the answer. But please, make that love you believe in one that is real. Belief in Jesus? Sure, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when I die there is a religion and I'm screwed - but am I? If i lead a good life, without believing in anything, will I not be greeted in the kingdom of heaven with enthusiasm. I'm sure many, many people will say that I won't be. That's unfortunate. You see, religion is real, but it's not anything that's been passed on from generation to generation; it's not anything that you'll read in the Bible. Religion is people being good to one another, struggling to make their may in the word. When I meet a guy in NYC who says thank you for letting him and his children pass by me: that's religion. When I say thank you to a guy holding the door open for me, that's religion. The moments in life when I connect with a stranger - that's religion.

I will never, ever put someone down for believing in something. Just because I don't believe it or don't think that it makes any logical sense doesn't mean that their beliefs are untrue, or less untrue. They are beliefs. But don't make those beliefs into something that is more than understanding and coexisting with people. Without people, you are nothing. Because they believe in something else doesn't make them different than you - it makes them the same. I believe in this, you believe in that; because of this, we are all the same.

Bill Maher does a great job. Sure, he's a sarcastic prick most of the time - but so am I. So are most of the people I see eye to eye with.

So please, dismiss religion without dismissing it. See what it truly means to you. Walk down the street, see what makes you happy, and follow that. If getting drunk and smoking a stog does it for you, Hey, that can be what you believe.

Mustache

I have always been a proponent of the mustache. I am currently sporting one and have sported one in the past from time to time.

A mustache means something. It may not be entirely quantifiable, but I daresay I have gotten many claps on the back, as well as the more than the occasional eye from a member of the opposite sex.

So I just want to say some things about mustaches.

1) A mustache doesn't count unless you wear it for one month. A month is when wearing it becomes part of a year, as in, "Wow, I've had this mustache for 1/12 of a year!" A week is most often quantified within a month, and that's just child's play. One month. That's what it takes.

2) A mustache does not make you hip. A mustache is supposed to make you look classy, dignified, and handsome. Hip? I don't buy it. Maybe it's just a gut reaction to some of the L.E.S./Williamsburg freak shows I see with them but...No. A man can be hip and have a mustache, but that mustache does not make him hip.

3) I said in part 1 that a mustache doesn't count unless you've had it for a month. Still true. However, if you're bold enough to try it out for a week or two, you have my approval - still not a mustache, but a very admirable act. Kudos. Maybe next time, you'll make it all the way.

4) For some reason, people have to comment. Everyone says something. They can't not it seems. So you have to take it all in stride. Sure, when I hear, "You look like you were in a porno from the seventies!" one hundred times a night it gets a little grating - but I don't respond with, You look like a serial dolphin rapist, do I? Then again, there's nothing bad about this. Porn stars are studs. Go with it. Use it. This goes for any and all comments. "Hey, Freddie Mercury!" Gay, but had a great voice. You gotta roll with 'em.

5) Beware: Guys will always say, "If I could grow one I would definitely have a mustache. Definitely!" These guys are not bad people, they just don't get it. It's easy for them to say they want a stache - but they'll never be able to have one and therefore there's nothing to stop them from pretending they would actually have the salt to sport it. Just laugh, say, Sure, and move on. These are pretenders.

6) To those who won't grow it but can? Dude, it may work for you. I know this guy who is only decently attractive at best, but when I saw him with a mustache it was revelatory. He actually looked handsome, as one of my other pals said. Back in the day 20, 30 years ago, this guy would've said, "Yeah? Shit. I'm growing a stache!" and the pussy would've started to roll in. Nowadays, the guy laughs, says Whatever, and shaves it cuz he thinks it's silly or he's afraid. He's only hurting himself.

7) A mustache - if nothing else - is a confidence booster. Look, I'm not gonna lie and say it's for everyone or that it is even right for me; or, rather, the best look for me. But if you wear it for a month, and then shave it, all of a sudden the air is fresher. You look GREAT. And you looked great before, too! It's really a fucking amazing feeling, to look so good before and look so good after.

8) I'm convinced that if YOU like your facial hair than there are plenty of women out there that like it too. And I think they like that you had the balls to rock it out, even if they're not totally sold on the look from a purely aesthetical point of view.

9) I think it's personally insulting that people have made growing a mustache the punishment for losing a bet or wager. You lost, grow a stache, dickweed! Insulting.

10) SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT. In this day and age, the mustache is dead. I truly think so. Who wears them? Hipsters - they're losers; middle age men - nothing against them, but they've been grandfathered in; old men - same deal; and...shit, who else? Hockey players during playoffs? Bet losers? C'mon! Where are all the decent young men out there - normal guys, guys that drink beer, make fun of their bros, play HORSE, watch sports and listen to music, watch movies...just a normal guy, with a normal mustache, looking classy, dignified and handsome - where are they? They're nowhere and they wont be coming back for a long time. Too many stigmas, too little dudes that can reach down deep and rock that stache, the way it was meant to be rocked. NOT WITH IRONY! That is the lowest of the low. At my age, my father had a mustache, my uncles had mustaches, my grandfather had a mustache, and now I have a mustache. At least for a month or longer, at least here and there. Long enough so that it doesn't die with the freak shows down in the LES. I like the way it looks, but it's also a way of life, and that way of life is dying. It's not complicated, but I feel that I know, deep down, that it's more than just a mustache. It's a way of connecting to a time when men were men, women were women, people could smoke indoors, and a man was expected to be a gentleman. It was the rule, not the exception to the rule.

Classy. Dignified. Handsome. Those three words. Think about it, gentlemen. Think about what it means. Even if you don't actually grow it, think about what it means. Classy. Dignified. Handsome. Mustache.

Thank you.

What Have I Done?

What's typical of me is that I get into a band heavily, almost out of the blue - something usually clicks, an album, a song - and then that's all, or mostly all, that I'll listen to for two weeks, a month. And I can't stop with one album: I immediately need it all. The entire discography. I just need to have it, want to have it.

The latest craze: The Clash. Ohhh baby. I'd say it falls below my Junior year spring semester Elvis Costello mania or my second of three Dylan crazes, the one during my sophomore year, but above my recent Neil Young and Harry Nilsson infatuations.

Yeah, so lately it's been about The Clash. I truly believe they are one of the best bands of all-time. They are a Zeppelin. A Rolling Stones. Beatles or Blink 182? Maybe not quite there - but that's just from someone who is very much a big fan of those two acts. I mean, The Clash, I believe, can make claim to being the best band of all-time. There's nothing too crazy about it if you know all their work, the context and times, who they were and what they stood for. Those guys were very very diesel.

And they still are. For a while I'd wanted to get into The Clash but it didn't click. I think it may have had something to do with "London Calling," the song. I'd heard it too many times and I think Joe Strummer's voice got on my nerves. I got turned around after listening to a Sound Opinions podcast where Greg Kot and Jim Derigotis dissected the album. It was enough to get me to finally listen to London Calling properly, after having it lie around for a while.

Long story short, I got totally into it. From London Calling I moved on to Give 'Em Enough Rope, The Clash (US and UK), Sandinista!, and Combat Rock. I still have to get to a whole bunch of singles and B-sides, but I've done a lot of listening.

I could go on forever about The Clash, but the purpose of this post was to talk about one song, "Police On My Back".



Written by Eddy Grant, this version is mind blowing. The song sounds amazing - madman guitars; an almost Spector-ish production going on within a simple rock setting; a Mick Jones lead vocal with a subtle, driving Joe Strummer vocal beneath it.

But I love this song because it's about a guy who has committed a crime. He has fucked up. He's screwed, and he has to keep on moving constantly, every day of the week, or else the fuzz'll get 'im.

This song is about making a mistake and saying to yourself "What have I done?" That's why I relate. I've made so many bad decisions during my life and I have felt the police on my back - not literally, but something has been on my back. Drinking, girls, relationships, friends, money, jobs, school, injuries, all that shit. I remember those times and pray that the time between the next incident is far, far away. Because it's such a bad feeling. That mistake dictating how you live, constantly moving, thinking.

And then, listening to this song, it's exhilarating too. Not knowing what's going to happen. But it's really not that pleasant however much it gets the blood pumping. I mean, that guitar in this song is a siren. It's hearing that siren fucking blasting wherever you go. There are dial tones in the middle of the song, friends who won't pick up the phone for you. And when Mick Jones screams "What have I done?" you know he's not talking to the cops, he's talking to himself. He wishes he hadn't a done what he done; he's not saying, "What, I haven't done a bloody thing!" to the coppers. He wants to take this back. But he can't. So he runs.

There you go. What more can I say? We all fuck up. "Police On My Back" is about trying to run from that mistake. Sometimes, you best better run. Other times, Fuck it. I'm talking about the little things, the things you do and it wasn't the best decision. Nobody's dead, nothing is FUBAR, you just wish you had had some restraint; you wish you hadn't a done it.

I always try my best not to worry about those little things that really have no real effect on anything in the long run. But sometimes you just can't, man. Sometimes you got the police on your back and you're runnin Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday screaming, What have I done?

Everyone listen to The Clash!

OH RICKY! OHHH BILLLYYY!

Going to see Ricky Gervais live in a couple of hours. The man, the legend. As far as I'm concerned, this man is truly one of the funniest people on the planet.

And it's more than just his formal output - The Office, Extras, The Ricky Gervais Show, stand-up etc, etc, - the man seems funny in everyday life, constantly; he seems like the kind of guy who is the funniest person in the room, always (except on that episode of Marriage Ref where Larry David took control for the entire episode).

It's these types of guys I admire most. Bill Murray is probably the pinnacle: there is no way anyone else is as funny as Bill Murray - on screen or in real life. I read a Bill Murray quote in Live From New York, an oral biography of SNL, where he basically says that he used to be funnier, though he's still funny, but back in the day it was almost - quote - "vengeful," as in, he wanted to make people laugh until it hurt, just drive the joke home over and over, without ever getting less funny, of course. Just relentless humor - with complete command over it.

Breathtaking.

My favorite scene in Ghostbusters is a Murray improvised line. He gets to Sigourney Weaver's for the first time and is prowling around the apartment and he just ambles up to the piano, hits a few notes, and says, "They hate that", i.e., that ghosts hate it. I heard that that was just Reitman telling Bill: "be funny." And the line is so subtle and so funny...Bill Murray inhabits the screen totally and completely. If you look at his performances, it's clear that Murray can take total control at any time. And sometimes he does. Watch Meatballs, his first starring role, and you can watch him struggle - still in the SNL ensemble mind set - wanting to take control, realizing he probably should, but not quite going there as much or as often as he should, given the supporting cast and quality of the script and story because of said mindset - and proably because he's not confident enough just yet.

And then you have movies like Lost In Translation, which is basically Murray not being funny - but it's still funny because of all of the stuff that the film viewer knows about Murray's character in real life and all of the roles he's played up until then - the viewer knows the history and it certainly affects the performance and the way we perceive it. Not to discredit him: Murray knows this and uses it; again, he is pitch perfect.

This is turning into a Bill Murray cock suck, but the man deserves it. He is my hero. There's something about the guy that is unparalleled. I look at message boards on You Tube and there is always one or two or three or four or more posts that say Billy Murray Is A God. It's true. Doesn't he say as much in Groundhog Day? Oh wait, he says he's A god, not the god.

It's like the geeks from Freaks and Geeks feel: when someone tells them that Bill Murray or Steve Martin isn't funny, they just can't believe it. Utter disbelief. Why? Because, like me, they know that that it is simply not true. Bill Murray is funny. People say that these things are about opinion and taste and blah blah blah - untrue. That is the case sometimes, but there are certain instances where it is a fact. People are funny, just as people are undeniably good looking.

I think Gervais is almost there. To deny that he's funny...well, it's not 100 percent unpardonable yet, but it's damned close. Yes, he's British, so I guess Americans get a pass for that if they think he's not funny. But if you really take the time and watch his oeuvre, and then watch him during interviews and award shows and the like, I think that it cannot be denied the man is a funny bloke. He's not Bill Murray (not yet) but he's got a shot.

If you need convincing, check out some of The Office bonus materials. Madness.

[The American Office is a fine show, full of hilarious moments. But there is no denying that the British Office -THE Office - is superior: funnier and also a perfectly crafted two season plus one XMAS special arc where the emotional highs and lows are do devastingly real and devestating that it cannot even be compared to questions of whether Pam's gonna suck Tim's dick in episode 345 or not.]